summer is

I am so unproductive. I was looking at how many steps I took throughout summer, and most days the number is under 1,000. I never leave my house, and I haven’t really done any homework. The anxiety of knowing what is to come is soul crushing. I ¬†am not looking forward to the start of school, or taking my SAT on August 26th, or filling out the Common App.

I keep thinking about my AP Chem grade, and I am still crushed by it. I worked my butt off to bring it from a D to a B and I was so close. I wish things did not turn out the way that they did.

In terms of my faith, I think it is going alright. I am struggling to grasp the idea that God has a plan for me. I keep wondering if I am ruining His plan by being a lazy shit or if I don’t have enough faith to follow through it. I don’t know if I am truly trusting in His plan because after junior year I have begun to question how much God cares about me. I feel pathetic because after things became difficult, I had failed to stay grounded in Christ and began to doubt.

I really don’t know.

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